Curse

Spooky · May 24, 2005, 08:56 PM // 20:56

After weeks of furious competition that may, or may not, have existed outside of my head; the time has finally come to decide the winner in Guild Wars' premiere singing / desperate cry for attention competition - Ascalon Idol

For those that skip over the previouslies, here's a bit of information on our four finalists - yes, four, because in post searing Ascalon, that's how we do things.

Cynn:
The child prodigy that makes up in destruction what she lacks for social graces. Known for her gruff exterior and seemingly perpetual anger that belies a softer side, Cynn's vocal stylings are best described as Soundgarden meets Atari Teenage Riot meets Jewel. Though no one doubts that she brings a unique element to this competition, some believe that she strong-armed her way into the Final Four - especially after she knocked out special guest judge, King Hippo. It only took one powerful blow to the band aid on his gut, and he was down for the count. Spectators were amazed that anyone could figure out his secret weakness so easily; Piston Honda was not available for comment. Regardless of the validity of these statements, no detractors would dare say them to her face for fear of the consequences. Is fear and artistic intimidation enough to win it all? Will people vote for the skimpy dress instead?

Vizier Khilbron:
The Vizier fancies himself as the 'Bad Boy' of this competition; a monicker that seemingly stands at odds with his overtly risque dance sequences that were most likely ripped from a Britney Spears video. Khilbron refers to his musical style as "Rapping Jafar" and refuses to wax lyrical on any subject except the Scepter or the Chosen. An excerpt from last week's performance went to the tune of "You are all The Chosen / Let's roll out, we be going / To the Crystal Desert / Not the Henchmen, they'z just redshirts." With his 'Creepy Uncle' appearance, many wonder how Khilbron made it to the Final Four; some speculate that he has his Undead Legions and Clay Aiken fans voting for him.

Mergoyle:
By all appearances, he is just another generic Mergoyle like all the others - he has no name to call his own, unlike those fancy-pants bosses. However this particular Mergoyle set himself apart from the crowd with a flawless impersonation of Frankie Valli's falsetto in "Sherry Baby." Mergoyle has also performed many covers of songs by The Beach Boys - it is a little known fact that Mergoyles enjoy singing about their fast cars almost as much as they enjoy singing about being at the beach / surfing. Fans like the Mergoyle for his throwbacks to simpler times, back when people could write tunes like "I Love Onions" without needing to infuse strife or personal angst. Anonymity has always been against him - the Mergoyle just doesn't stand out in the crowd or have any charisma. At all. Will he finally be able to make his name here?

King Jalis Ironhammer:
The wise and elderly leader of the good Deldrimoor Dwarves, King Ironhammer believes himself to be the reincarnation of Avril Lavigne, despite the fact that she is not dead, and he is considerably older than she is. Critics liken his vocal stylings to that of Michelle Branch or Vanessa Carlton - they aren't sure, because they can never tell the difference between the two. Jalis has made a name for himself by giving an upbeat, punk spin on songs like "Famous Blue Raincoat" (Leonard Cohen) and "In A Big Country" (Big Country.) However, he has also made a name for himself due to his refusal to shower, stating that he is "Not used to it" because "We don't have hot running water in the Shiverpeaks." Are Jalis' hip pop culture sensibilities enough to woo in the votes? Or will his overpowering odor drive them off?

You vote!
You decide!
Who is your Ascalon Idol?

Dumb Quixote · May 24, 2005, 08:57 PM // 20:57

Spoilers?

Ramus · May 24, 2005, 08:57 PM // 20:57

Quote:

Originally Posted by Spooky

Will people vote for the skimpy dress instead?

Oh my, that is too funny. Cynn has my vote.

Soul Monarch · May 24, 2005, 08:58 PM // 20:58

Go Cynn!

Woo hoo!

Arbel · May 24, 2005, 09:19 PM // 21:19

Skimpy yay!

Harlas Kije · May 24, 2005, 09:48 PM // 21:48

Ya know she is gonna win--voting is rigged. I tried to vote for Mergoyle--but teh lines were down!!!!

Ascalon Idol and the OINK channel already picked who their favorite is.

It's all about the looks--not talent anymore. Sometimes I wish we were back in PreSearing days--you know when talent mattered

Lord Weevil · May 25, 2005, 06:01 PM // 18:01

I'm..speechless...partly because Punch Out! was referenced in the most bizarre way imaginable.

Due to that I'm afraid I have to go with Cynn...I would go for Mergoyle, poor anonymous bastard, but I died far too often to their constant mind wracks when I was a lil 'un so I have a bit of a grudge.

Death By Hesitation · May 25, 2005, 07:05 PM // 19:05

I see rite through that mergoyle..flawless impersination my ass i could do better in my sleep! His performance was pathetic at best.

Harlas Kije · May 27, 2005, 05:24 PM // 17:24

So is the voting done yet?

EnDinG · May 27, 2005, 05:46 PM // 17:46

Hahah... =) I'm in tears almost.

All for having this article posted on our news page...? =)

chalt2 · May 27, 2005, 05:50 PM // 17:50

I'd have to go with Cynn but the King was a close second!

ManadartheHealer · May 28, 2005, 06:26 PM // 18:26

Go Ironhammer. w00t!

/royalist pansy